Humans are funny when it comes to big life decisions.
And by big, I mean those massive, "new chapter" choices. Think moving to a bustling city like Tokyo, switching from being a teacher to a software developer, marrying someone from a different culture, having twins, retiring to a serene countryside, or starting a new job in a high-pressure industry. They feel risky at best and like a mistake at worst. Yet, we all love the idea of fresh starts, like springtime, flowers blooming, new love, and of course, shouting "Happy New Year!" But, let's be real. How many of us are comfortable admitting, "I don’t know WTF I’m doing"? It’s awkward. Time seems to freeze.
Feeling lost and overwhelmed during big life changes is common. You’re not alone in this. Part of the reason we feel overwhelmed with change is due to that little-talked-about thing called liminal space. What’s a liminal space, you ask? It’s the time between ‘what was’ and ‘what’s next’. Or put another way, what you have (current state) and what you want (desired state). It’s a place of transition and ‘not knowing’. Liminal spaces shake us by the shoulders, forcing us out of our habitual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. It’s an opportunity for growth, but man, it’s unsettling.
So, how do we deal with this dreaded liminal space? I’ve noticed three ways: Cognitive, Behavioral, and Emotional.
Cognitive: My default way to move out of discomfort or away from fear is to ‘think my way out of it’. Newsflash: That doesn’t work because it ignores the underlying emotional turmoil. We live in a success-driven culture, always focused on the outcome. Winning. But sitting with deeper introspection and considering new possibilities doesn’t usually happen with this approach because we seek stability too quickly. What if the uncertainty and discomfort of the liminal space has something else to offer?
Behavioral: Another strategy is taking action! Sounds good, right? But here’s the catch: it often requires numbing out your feelings. For instance, I once moved from Australia to the US after knowing a guy for a month. It seemed like a no-brainer to give up my job, friends, and lifestyle. After all, I was in love. But underneath the excitement, I felt out of my body, similar to when I jumped out of a plane and thought I’d die.
Could it be that I was avoiding the discomfort of the in-between space? I don’t regret moving to the US. The relationship lasted 12 months, but my life in the US lasted 16 years. Still, I wonder if I’d been more awake to what I was running away from in Australia, would my life look different today?
Emotional: Learning to surrender to the uncertainty and observe oneself in the liminal space can build resilience and acceptance of change. Many years later, my blessed yoga teacher Wendy introduced me to the idea that this ‘third-place’ is where the gold is: “Listen to your body in the transitions between the asanas…” And guess what? When I finally did slow down, what I thought was the thing wasn’t really the thing.
There’s hardly any guidance out there about how to be gentle with yourself during big life changes. Acknowledging the fears and uncertainties that come with fresh starts is crucial. It’s about allowing yourself to feel the discomfort and trusting that it’s part of the growth process.
So, what’s your take on being a beginner? Ready to start again? Cut yourself some slack. Every fresh start means saying goodbye to something, which can stir up many feelings. Embrace the unknown with curiosity. Instead of saying, "I don't know," try adding a little "yet" at the end.